


the thrill of knowing how alone we are

by le_petit_mort



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Character Study, Jim is soft and loves things and i will scream that till the day I die, M/M, No Dialogue, jim loves his family and he loves spock and will tell the universe about it, no beta we die like (wo)men, spock loves jim and embraces that, there's not really a plot so if you want one this ain't it, this is a study of love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-23
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:46:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28271853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/le_petit_mort/pseuds/le_petit_mort
Summary: Jim belongs to the stars and the stars belong to him, intrinsically, intimately, in a way they exist for no other.Jim would leave the stars behind forever if Spock asked him to.A character study of Jim and his love for the most important things in his life.
Relationships: James T. Kirk & Leonard "Bones" McCoy, James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 8
Kudos: 35
Collections: Star Trek Secret Santa 2020





	the thrill of knowing how alone we are

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this for the Star Trek Secret Santa, and it turned into something I really needed. It reminded me of the joy in romanticizing the little things in life. The ordinary experiences that are otherwise ignored. This is a bit different to the other published things I've done, but I'm vibing with it. 
> 
> Title from Better Love by Hozier. 
> 
> Also there's a quote at the end from doctor who, I just love it a lot.

Space has always been vast and unforgiving. But to Jim, a child born in the stars, he thinks the vastness is beautiful. He belongs to the stars and the stars belong to him, intrinsically, intimately, in a way they exist for no other. Jim knows, no matter how much he loves the stars, they will never love him back. 

He loves the Enterprise, too. The way the engines hum beneath his feet, a constant reminder that he’s here, where he’s worked so hard to be. Jim loves laughter that drifts through the corridors, how the rec room door is a little stuck and takes an extra second to open. He loves the way the replicators sound before food appears, how the sonic showers feel after a long shift. He delights in working on the engine with Scotty, because Scotty knows in a way the others don’t what loving the ship means. He knows, like Jim, that the Enterprise has a life and a soul of her own. 

The books in his room carry a smell that’s so distinctive. It’s completely familiar and unknowable all at once, like the worlds that are pressed into those pages. They’re comforting when Jim holds them, a weight that’s so much more welcome than that of a phaser or a padd. Jim loves stories; he loves the humanity that’s weaved into them, the love and joy and anguish, the ecstasy that exists in such simple human experiences. He relishes in these stories, because they hold the memories of people long dead or fictional. Memories Jim recognizes in himself. 

Jim loves his crew like family, and maybe that’s not the best coping mechanism, but it works to keep the ghosts at bay. He loves Bones in a way he doesn’t recognize. Like a brother, maybe, only he loves Sam and it’s still different. Bones is the first friend he made on his own terms, Bones is the first one of the crew to follow him into space for no other reason than Jim was the one leading the way. Bones tells him off and cheers him on and laughs with him, and cares so much more than Jim thought it was possible for one person to care. Bones loves his daughter, and he loves Jim. He rewrote the laws of nature because his friend was dead. Bones is his family.

He loves the senior bridge crew. Chekov, with his insistence that everything is a Russian invention, Sulu’s love of plants and sly smiles. He loves the way Uhura jokes and grins and gives better than she gets but still finds time to be an incredible, compassionate friend. Jim loves Spock.

Jim loves the way Spock raises one eyebrow, his makeup skills, the effortless way Spock just knows things. He loves Spock’s passion for space and for the unknown, one that matches Jim’s note for note. He loves how Spock saves facts about the flowers they find just for Jim, how the Vulcan always knows when Jim needs comfort and will lay a hand on his arm in public or will pull him close and hold him when they’re alone. He loves the depths to Spock’s eyes, how it feels like returning home when he looks into them. Jim would leave the stars behind forever if Spock asked him to. 

Jim loves Spock in the way Spock loves Jim. 

Spock loves his mother’s warm smiles. He loves the sun on Vulcan, the burnt orange skies. He loves Earth’s green forests and architecture so alien to him. Spock loves poetry and music and dancing, though he would never admit it. He loves the deep blue ocean. So vengeful and angry when threatened, but the calm blue depths hold a gentle kindness that Spock has only seen once before; in the eyes of his ashayam.

Sock loves Jim. He thinks he always has, in a way. He knows, no matter how illogical it may be, that their souls were intertwined from the start. He knows the same way he knows his name that he would destroy the universe if it meant saving Jim. 

Love is difficult and complex and ecstatic. Love is so familiar and strange. It slinks through the night like a creature with too many eyes, only to lay down softly with a wag of a tail and a huff. Love allows the impossible to happen regularly. Love is what Jim has buckets of. 

Jim forgets, sometimes. He carries more weight than he should, and though his family helps to shoulder it, days get hard and nights get long. When they do, Jim runs through a list in his head. A list of what he loves. He doesn’t fully realise it, but those same people and things he holds so dear love him back. The books find their way into his hands. The Enterprise never flies better than when Jim is at the helm. The stars shine a little brighter when he watches them and the crew will follow him anywhere, will defend him and wait for him and go back for him. Without witness and without reward. 

It’s just Jim and Spock and their ragtag family against the universe, but they wouldn’t have it any other way.

**Author's Note:**

> I've crawled out of my bog to drop my annual fic on your doorstep. I hope you enjoyed it and please feel free to leave kudos and comments. I know I'm pretty inactive but I do read all the comments and try to respond when I can. Either way, I hope this fic brightened your day!


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